Should I spank my kid for that?

I've written in the past that I don't usually like to teach or write about child rearing because I'm not done yet.  I feel so inadequate every day to be their mother.  I fall before God and seek His ways and ask for grace to be the parent they deserve and need.  I do my best and pray the rest.  I fail.  But in my heart, I want to be the mother God wants me to be.  And my boys have turned out to be two of the best young men.  They are doing their best every day to be what God wants them to be.  That makes me proud, joyful, and grateful.  

Today I do feel like sharing about parenting though.  I want to talk to the mommies of little ones, toddlers and preschoolers.  When mine were little I learned a biblical formula to answer a very important question I was struggling with:  When should I spank and when should I not?

Proverbs 22:15 states, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him."

So here's the key:

1.   First you must realize that the Bible refers to defiance of authority as "foolishness".  This includes things like willful disobedience, purposefully disregarding the preciousness of others, and refusal to be taught.  

This verse is telling us what every parent already knows.  You don't have to teach a kid TO sin (they are born with that instinct), you have to teach them NOT to sin.   There is a point in a baby's life when you realize they know...not to touch the vase, not to buck in their high chair, not to pull on your earrings...and yet they choose to do it.  It's different for every child, but when you notice it you must address it.  Foolishness is born in, and it must me removed by the parent, using physical discomfort for the good of the child.  The baby pulls up and reaches for a vase on the coffee table (childish).  You say no and move his hand.  He reaches again (foolish), you say no, move his hand and spank it.  Repeat as needed until you win and he gets the message, foolishness is defeated.  If you just move the vase, foolishness remains and you now have to baby proof every inch of your house and everyone else's house you go to.  (Of course we must keep harmful chemicals and sharp objects safely stored as we train our kids. We won't take a chance there.  Or, if the vase is extremely valuable we will want to use common sense.)  

2.  Second, The parent must train the child according to his need.  The parent needs to be able to tell the difference between childishness and foolishness.  We've defined foolishness and stated that it always must be addressed with punishment involving pain.  But childishness is the fruit of immaturity, lack of experience, and developmental inability.  In other words, its part of being a child.  The parent's response to childishness should be teaching, training, discussing, and practicing skills with the child.  

Here is a good example:  Your 3 year old is sitting with the family at mealtime and knocks over his brother's milk.  Do you spank the child for this?  No.  This was an act of childishness, an accident.  Training is needed.  The child should help mom clean up the mess, he should apologize to the brother and should "help" mom get another drink for brother.  Then talk about why it happened and how to keep it from happening again.  These are all ways of training the childishness out of the child.  But what if you've talked about not wiggling and swinging your arms at the table and yet the child continues and spills the milk yet again.  Now the problem has become one of defiance, and thus, foolishness.  At this point all the above training must be reinforced and a physically painful punishment is necessary.  The child needs to learn that table rules are non-negotiable and that your instructions must be obeyed.  The parent should remove the child to a private area, administer the spanking, restore the child through forgiveness and affection and then proceed with the meal.  Then perhaps the family could talk about how manners and decorum at the table are a way to show value and kindness to those we love and that Mom and Dad give instructions so all the family can have a peaceful and happy mealtime together.  The bad manners ruined the milk but also caused extra work and aggravation for Mom.  

Here is another example:

Childishness is when a child leaves a new bike out on the driveway in the rain and in the way of the cars.  The parents should teach the child the value of the bike and to care for it properly.  The parents may even want to deny the child the privilege of riding the bike for a while to remind them that taking care of the bike is a responsibility that is taken very seriously and must be earned.  If the child leaves the bike out again, the issue becomes one of disobedience and becomes foolishness and must me rebuked and chastised either through a spanking or other physical punishment such as isolation or extra work depending on the age and attitude of the child.  

These are very simplistic examples but if you take a moment to analyze the behavior and discern the motive behind it, you will be able to deal with the attitude or behavior in a way that benefits the child and all those around you.  We tried to live by this principle and to to present our boys with a united pair of parents.  We were as consistent as we could possible be.  We were decisive and fair but refused to be manipulated.  So, we could eat in a restaurant as a family without disturbing others.  I could bring my kids on errands without tantrums.  I could leave my things out and know the kids would not bother them, and I knew they would stop or come when called.  And we found that by winning the battle when they were very little, we had very few needs to spank after age 5 or so.  Our painful physical discipline now took on the form of hard work, or isolation or loss of a privilege.  

I will be blogging more on this subject.  I want to address things we learned about dealing with whining, sharing, tantrums, fighting, respect for property, and food issues.  I also want to talk about teaching your kids to love the Lord and live by His Words and His authority structure.  This actually will solve many issues before they start.  

What are some issues you and your family struggle with?  I would love to hear from you about areas you are learning in.  I'm no expert, just an experienced Mom who wants to nurture other christian moms and mentor them.  We all want kids who are victorious over the foolishness they are born with.  Because we know God's rules are for our benefit, and we love those little ones.  I hope this helps in some way as we all parent on our knees...

 

Comments

[Margie]

How about peer pressure, fitting in, and being accepted? Oh and the same topics for kids. ;) Also what are your thoughts on dating or interest in the opposite sex? (I have lots more but I'll start with these.) Thank you SO much for your insight. If I can't have someone like you on speed dial then this is the next best thing!

[Em]

Thanks for the advice, Lori. I have a 14 month old and it's really hard to find any support out there for Christian-based parenting. I'm always eager to hear advice from women who've been in my shoes!

[Christin]

UGGGG....this hits soooo close to home since I have a strong-willed 3 year old battling for authority of the roost all day, everyday. I know all the time outs and spankings will be worth it so I will have a child that will respect authority and be 'wise' and take correction, but it breaks my heart to do it. Any parenting topics, especially those for leader/strong-willed children is much appreciated!!!!

[Billie]

Wow...Thanks for sharing your views and insight. I have a strong willed comedic 3 year old boy...However he is only with me half of the time and spends the other half with his father. I struggle with making sure he is disciplined in both households...any suggestions on insuring that we both remain constant and on the same page.

[Lori frank]

Hi Billie, Thanks for dropping by the blog. You've hit on a very real and very important issue. Where parents are sharing custody it is even more critical that the parents present a unified front of the discipline issue. I LOVE feisty kids! We just need to channel that energy. I tend to cut them slack for generalized chaos and tackle the battles that stem from defiance. Even the strong, gifted, and creative ones need to learn to work within the system, so to speak. Said a prayer for you, your son, and his Dad...

[Kendra]

Lori, what a blessing this is! Your timing is perfect! Kennedy is now 15 months and we are having some issues with her biting. We tell her no, pop her hand..I have even tried to bite her back (lightly). She thinks its funny or that we are playing. Do you think its a developemental thing or do I need to handle my approach differently?
Yesterday I checked out 4 books from the Bookstore on parenting/discipline! THANK YOU, I greatly appreciate your tips!!

[Lori frank]

Oooo! kendra! Biting is a hard one...Most 15 month olds do not mean to hurt when they bite. I think it is more of an exploration. Of course by this time they should understand "No" and "Hurt". In my experience vigilance and exactly what you're doing is all that works. So no, inflict a negative stimuli (hand slap) and redirect to another activity is best. Hard though...Prayers up for you, Lori