Whining 101

As I promised earlier, I want to take my limited amount a expertise and share some tips I've learned as a Mom for dealing with issues of early childhood.  A big one for me is whining.  Mainly because I am not one of those saintly, patience of Job kind of Moms.  Frankly, whining gets on my nerves and is non-productive.  To a certain extent, listening to a little bit of whining from time to time is just part of being a Mom.  Shoot, I even whine myself periodically...=)  

But, habitual whining can reflect a deficit in a child's ability to problem solve, communicate needs, and deny self, and respond constructively to irritants.    Often a child will whine as a signal that they are sleepy or tired or hot or hungry or sick or in need of a diaper change.  As a Mom you will recognize which it is perhaps even before they know.  This is your clue to provide whatever is needed to nurture or comfort them at the time.  Your pre-verbal child has just communicated a need to you.  The system worked!  The problem comes when a child who can talk chooses to whine instead of become part of the solution.  The parent still responds to the child the way they did at 18 months and solves the problem for the child.  Thus, the child learns that whining works...bad idea.  They use the annoying quality of whining to get you to change the rules or accommodate their desires on their schedule, their way. 

The only way to cure whining is to teach them to communicate in a proper fashion and to NEVER reward whining with what is being whined for.  Let me give a few example:

1.  You are trying to buy groceries with a baby and a 4 year old.  You made sure the 4 year old was rested and fed and toileted before you went to Walmart.  Yet he is whining because he does not want to be there.  You explain that you must finish your shopping before you can leave and you need him to be your helper as you shop so the family can have good food.  You tell him after the shopping is done you plan to let him have a popsicle for being such a good helper.  Yet he still whines.  At this point you need to tell him that he needs to talk to you in a big-boy voice and he is going to lose his treat if he keeps on whining.  Tell him we need to do our family work so we can play and have fun after we are done.  If he continues he has entered into foolishness and out of childishness.  You need to warn him that he will be going with you to the restroom for a spanking if he continues and then do it if he does.  Kids need to learn to deny their impulses and to endure "work" .  If not they will never learn the mature skill of doing what needs to be done not just what you want to do.  We must also be careful not to whine ourselves when there's work to be done, so we don't set a bad example.

2.  You send  your kids outside for play time in the back yard.  They come in and out and whine about all kinds of things from "It's too hot" to "I'm bored".  This is an opportunity to teach the kids how to tell an adult what they need in a respectful, problem solving way.  Say, When you whine about the problems I don't know how to help you.  Can you tell me in a big-girl way what is really wrong?  Then tell me what you think would make it better.  That way we will all be better off.  If she says she just wants to come in and watch TV, offer her a time when she can come in and watch TV.  If she needs to get out and get some exercise then explain it is not TV time and if she keeps whining she will lose her TV time later.  Follow through.  If its hot, ask how she might like to cool off.  Play in the sprinkler?  Have a cool drink?  Draw with chalk in the shade?  Help her communicate her solutions in a big girl voice.  Is it boredom?  Tell her to use her imagination, play with her, bring out the bubbles or the sand toys.  Call a friend to come and play.  If she still refuses to find something fun for herself to do...Give her a chore.  This one usually shut the boredom issue right down at my house.  

In each instance the child's needs are met and the child learns to communicate better and solve problems.  He sees that parent as a need meeter and advocate, not a tyrant.  Yet he knows you will not be bullied.  He becomes a pleasant child for adults to be around.  It is a win for all concerned.  

Parenting is not for cowards.  You must be consistent, loving, and fair.  That's why I love that in James chapter 1 dealing with trials, we are invited to ask God for wisdom. We are promised that He will give it and not hold back.  Believe me, as I parent my older teens I'm in line for my wisdom from God daily.  I'm so far from a perfect parent and God's grace has covered over many of my mistakes.  I hope if whining is an issue at your house that this little post has helped you devise a plan it deal with it.  I'm praying for you.  

Comments

[Susanna]

This is a great post Lori! We are in the midst of the whining era, and I do these same things. Half the time, I feel like it's a lost cause, but then I remember that consistency is the key! Great thoughts!!!

[Susanna]

And by "same things", I mean that I discipline them in a similar way as what you've outlined here....not that I whine in the same way that they do! :)

[Christin]

Thanks...myu husband and I just teamed up to bust whining....we are soooo over whining, great tips and advice!

[Lori frank]

Ha ha! Susanna you cute thing! I know you are not a whiner! Love it! And, Christin, you've hit the nail on the head... consistent and team work. Thanks for dropping by ladies. Love ya!

[Kimberly McCarthy]

Great Wisdom! Very well written! I just wanted to add this: One thing that can be a stumbling block is when you are tired and there is constant whining…it grates on your nerves. So I used to do this with my kids and now when I watch my grandkids I do it too: I picture a tornado, because the child or teenager is spinning an emotional tornado and if I step into their tornado, I am going to get bumped and bruised up and start spinning around too… but if I let them “Whine” down, take a deep breath, while their tornado is spinning out, which eventually the emotions will spin out… then I can safely with respect and authority say: Are you finished? Okay now lets talk about this… I find if I stand outside the tornado and let it spin out, then I am able to handle the situation with more Godly respect and I have learned that respect goes both ways, when I give it, I usually get it back. So, don’t rush into a spinning tornado, it will spin out and the emotions will be easier to handle.

[Air Jordan 13]

OH BABY BABY I SHOULDN'T LET YOU GO....CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW....