Have you ever been at a ballgame and been shocked at the language of a friend? Have you ever heard some ladies gossiping and felt like your ears needed a washing? Have you ever seen a pretty young lady dressed in a way that caused her to attract inappropriate attention from men? Has a friend ever verbally assassinated her husband's character in your presence? Have you ever been on facebook and seen a friend post pictures or comments that compromise her witness? Have you ever listened with your heart in a knot as someone verbally trashes their employer, or president, or pastor, or co-worker, naming names? What if you know something about someone's child that they would not approve of? What if you think someone is making a mistaken decision or is causing trouble? What if you know someone is involved in an affair?
How do you know when or if or how to confront? When and why is a rebuke necessary? Should you tattle on people's kids? These are all questions I've wrestled with. And, as always, I want my responses to be based on Biblical wisdom and principals. Of course, each situation and relationship is different. There are different levels of foolishness. So there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But there is a grid of god;y framework to try and discern what if any action to take. I find if I ask myself the questions Who?, What?, When?, Why? and How? I can usually make a good decision.
1. Who?
a. Is it a stranger or a close friend? An accountability partner? An adult? You see, we are not called to confront all behavior we witness. If it is a close friend who you have earned the right to to confront through mutual intimacy it's one thing, but a stranger at the mall or an acquaintance would not receive your words. We have to earn the right to comment through a shared life. Proverbs 27:6, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
b. Is it a subordinate? Your child? Your employee? Someone your have or are discipling? When we are in authority we are an umbrella of protection over those we are leading. This gives us an opportunity to speak truth into their lives. Proverbs 9:9, "Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still, teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning."
c. Are you dealing with a fool? Will he or she listen? Proverbs 9:7-8, "He who corrects a mocker invites insult. He who reproves a wicked man invites abuse. Don’t reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you. Reprove a wise man, and he will love you."
d. Who is being hurt? Is it a self inflicted wound? Is there a child involved? Is the person being slandered going to suffer loss? Is it illegal? Sometimes the offense is so great that to say nothing would bring unacceptable consequences for another. At that point you either have to intervene or report it to someone in authority. Zechariah 7:9 "This is what the LORD Almighty says: Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.
***Note of caution: I have found that most of the time when you report bad behavior to someone about their child, they initially get angry at you. Even when the offense is one they needed to know about. Before you bring these things to someone's attention be sure you are willing to risk the friendship in order to protect the child. If it's not that serious, let it go and pray for the truth to come out and for the child to be protected. Ask yourself, would I want to be told? Is it really my business? Whatever you do... Don't gossip about it in the form of a prayer request!
2. What?
Some issues are subjective such as modesty. Some issues fall under the heading of Christian liberties. Some families have different rules or expectations. Sometimes folks are just having a bad day not displaying a pattern. Sometimes there is another side to the story that you are not able to judge. Basically, we must listen to the Holy Spirit. Is the word, attitude or action something that needs reproof? Does it violate specific scripture? Is it harmful? Does it seem premeditated or devious? Is it a habit or lifestyle you've witnessed more than a couple times? If so, you may need to take action if you have cleared it with #1 Who. Luke 17:3 "So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him."
3. When?
Make sure you have first hand knowledge. If you are not part of the problem, you're probably not part of the solution. Don't rebuke when you just know half of the story. You may need to ask the person some questions. But you for sure will need to pray and examine your own heart and motives. You will need to use good timing and be considerate. You will need to prepare for the what ifs of the rebukee's responses. This is not a knee jerk reaction. Be sure you have scripture to apply in this case to back up your decision. Matthew 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"
4. Where?
To help the person being confronted not feel defensive right off the bat, go to them on their territory. Sit down don't stand over them. Give them space. Don't be physical unless they are repentant and need to be comforted. You may want to do it in person, or maybe just a note or Facebook private message. Sign your name and give contact info in case they want to talk. Don't do it anonymously. Keep it low key and dial down the emotions. Just keep it private! Matthew 18:15, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.”
5. Why?
The Bible is clear that the purpose is protection, education, growth, and reconciliation. It's not to demand conformity to your personal interpretation of scripture, or to be the fruit inspector for all who surround you. You are not to delight in confrontation. Doing so reveals a prideful heart and a critical spirit. Galatians 6:1-3, "If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ".
6. How? There is a progression used for serious offenses in the Bible. Most of the time, all people need is a gentle reminder or a nudge. Usually they respond with embarrassment but humility. Usually there is no need to take it further. It's time to butt out. But, sometimes they stiffen up and if it is a serious offense, harmful, illegal, or a shame on the church you need to follow all the steps in Matthew 18:15-16. “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
a. Go to them privately and humbly.
b. Bring a witness for a second attempt with more firmness
c. Bring it to an elder in the church. (bring documentation of the offense as well as the steps you have already taken).
d. Remove fellowship with them.
I have never, in decades of walking with Jesus had to be involved with taking a rebuke through all the steps to removing fellowship. I have been rebuked scripturally and found it a painful but beautiful growing experience. I've also been victim of a "drive by" verbal assault issued with a critical spirit. It hurts and it never helps. Neither dose butting in to things that don't concern you. Remember the goals of a rebuke are to protect, educate, restore. Think about these ideas and principles. I'm sure there will come a time when you must decide whether or not to initiate a rebuke. I hope it helps.
|
|
Thank you for posting this Lori! It is so beautifully written!
Posted by: Stacey Gillette | 08/18/2012 at 10:03 AM