This guy's face! Oh, dear...
Webster's defines nagging as a verb meaning, "To annoy or irritate (a person) with persistent faultfinding or continuous urging." We women tend to think we are helping or rationalize it as "reminding". But the harsh fact is that nagging is destructive. It will destroy the love in your marriage and it will destroy the peace in your home. It is a form of manipulation. It is disrespectful. It is non-productive. It is a man repellent.
"It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife". Proverbs 21:19 NLT
When you nag a man, it is s stressor to him, and puts him into "fight or flight" mode. In marriage, that means he either fights you, or flees from you. He either yells or plays more golf. He either throws things or watches more sports. He either punishes you by become passive agressive and delaying even more, or he starts working later and later to avoid the inevitable drip, drip, drip. Both are distructive. Both hurt. Both make the problem worse.
So you know it's a killer. You want to stop. How do you do that?
1. Get off your "But"- You might be rationalizing your nagging by pointing out that what you are after him about is right, good, and needed. You say "But, it's got to get done." Stop saying "but" and let it go. Whether you are nagging your husband to clean out the garage or to start going to church, nagging will have the opposite effect you desire. So the more important something is to you, the more you should stop.
2. Say it once- A reminder text, a forwarded email, a mention of something that would make you happy... these are constructive. A good rule of thumb is to say it once, nicely, assuming the best. Then, if it doesn't happen, let the chips fall but DON'T say "I told you so" or "I knew it!" He knows he blew it. Let him deal with the fall out. Give up that bent toward perfectionism. Learn to let go.
3. Pray- For us gals, the more important we think something is, the more likely we are to "fight" for it by nagging. The truth is that only God can change your husband. Cry out to the Lord. Give your husband to God and choose to respect him enough to be silent. A good example of this is found in I Peter 3:1-2 where he urges wives to let their husbands be won over by thier respectful and chaste behavior "without a word".
4. Be grateful and say so- Focus on what he does right. Verbalize gratitude and give honor for what he contributes to the family. Protect your time together and don't poison it with griping. Be fun. Be positive. Be a builder. You'll find you are addictive man-candy when you shine light on what he does right. A big killer to your husband is to try to do something and have it not be good enough.
5. Remember your role- Nagging is basically just a really bad form of leadership. It's funny that nagging is something women do. It is an expression of negativity and frustration and is rooted in emotion. It happens when we try to lead where we were never intended to. We were created to help and nuture. Nagging does neither. Husbands were created to lead, provide and protect. So you can see why your efforts to assume their role is annoying, not just because it usurps their role but because it emphasizes their failure.
Are you a nag? Have you ever been called one? Determine to break the habit of nagging. Catch yourself. Confess it to your husband and tell him your intent to stop. Ask him to forgive you. Invite him to point it out when you do it, and immediately agree, apologize, and drop it. Spend time each day talking about your needs and the practical needs of running the family. After tasks are divided up and assigned, say nothing more. If he chooses not to accept a task or to delay it, say nothing. If he does it or even just tries to do it, be grateful and say so.
Let go of the idol of control, let go of the idol of perfectionism, let go of the idol of entitlement, let go of past failures. You're strangling the intimacy, repelling the joy, and squelching the grace. "And above all put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony" (Col. 3:14).
It won't be long until you're both singing "The old nag is dead"! :)))
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