If you are a ministry wife, you are going to experience a tightness in your chest and you might even break a sweat just reading the title of this post today. Moving is a top 10 stressor in any life, but in ministry it is probably top 5. I've done it 5 times. In fact, it's gut wrenching on many levels. It is scary! There is so much fear of the unknown. Worry that you have not heard correctly from God or that you have made a mistake. By the way, If you are a member of my current church or community WE ARE NOT TALKING TO ANY OTHER CHURCHES! This is just to help other ministry wives who might be dealing with this topic personally now, or in the future.
First off, beginning to seek God's will together with a prospective church feels a lot like "cheating". It is necessary to keep quiet about it until you figure out if God is in it or not. But it still feels yucky to be secretive about it. In the past I've kind of pulled away during these times for fear that I would let something slip or be put in a position to have to lie about something. That adds an extra burden because your usual support system and prayers partners may not be able to lighten your load.
Secondly, The idea of starting over is daunting. We all know, whether in ministry or not, that trying to establish a household, a friend group, driver's licences, banking, schools... Oh I'm getting hives as I type! Uhg! It's so hard. A new doctor, a new hair dresser, a new grocery store, a new ministry! It's a tough thing, even when you are happy and excited about the move. And you can multiply it times 10 for every child you have that will need to transitioned too, in their own way. Their lives are being uprooted as well.
Thirdly, It's expensive/hard work. Many ministry families end up taking a giant financial hit when they have to sell a home at a loss, or they lose the wife's income, or they just don't get compensated for the expenses of the move itself. Also, you can't/shouldn't ask your old church for help moving, but the new church is far away... so you bear the burden of doing it all alone. Then comes all the "helpers" at the new church who may or may not be wanting to help you just to look nosily through your stuff. For those of us who are very private, this invasion is super stressful... we'd just rather do it alone.
Fourth, there is grief. Many times God calls us to move away from our support groups such as mentors, friends, parents, grandparents, babysitters and neighbors. Having to tear your heart away from a church family you have loved and served and suffered/rejoiced with is a painful process. It takes time to work through it. It still hurts even when you know God is in it and you are excited to go. It is often hard to find the time to process it all in the midst of saying your goodbyes and preparing for the new assignment.
Fifth, The learning curve that your husband is fighting his way through makes it hard for him to balance work, personal walk with Jesus, personal care (sleep, recreation, exercise, diet, and yes, sex) and family/parenting. He is under huge stress. He is having to put in huge amounts of time in addition to the work week trying to build relationships within the church and community he is called to lead. He needs you by his side for a lot of this, but it still takes a toll for this transitional season...it's crunch time. Much Grace is needed. The enemy will attack your marriage and your health at these times so be ready for it.
There could be a much much longer list but these are the biggies... So what is my advice? What have I learned? Let me share a list of helpful tips:
1. Fly under the Radar: Once you have been offered the job, accepted it, and notified your current church I recommend laying low. If you have to relive the goodbye process hundreds of times in several little gatherings you will be overwhelmed. Try to let there be just one big cry-fest at the end then move away. I recommend making it a fast, rip the band-aid off, kind of goodbye. They need to grieve too and be ready to receive their new leader with open arms. There may also be a few folks who are unsupportive or who do not agree that God is calling you away. Let them vent, but don't take it personally. Give them time to process it. You've known for a while, they just got the news.
2. Resist the have it both ways temptations: You will need to transfer your affections to the new place and the new people. I recommend not going back or facilitating visits to the old place for 6 months or so. It kind of forces you and your kids to move on. I still keep in touch with the people from all our former churches and social media makes that easy. But in the beginning, it's best to dive in with the new stuff full force. Try to keep from comparing "this is how it was in ______". Try to avoid saying and thinking "Back home" too much. Home is where God puts you. This is your home now.
3. Plant those roots: Devote the first year to relationship building. Move on to ministry establishment and impact the next year. Just spend a year loving on people and sharing their world. If possible try to not work full time that first year and be free to schedule lunches and play dates and shopping trips with your ladies. Attend everything you can at church, but especially be visible and accessible in areas where your husband is directly responsible. But don't overdo it. You will be the one to keep the home fires burning and your kid's needs met during this crunch time for hubby. Family first goes without saying. Be open, real, relaxed and available.
4. Ask: Latch on to one or two friends. You'll need them to help you find stuff. You'll need to ask where the best places are to eat, shop, get medical care, schools, childcare, bank, and workout. You'll need to know where to make your home. It takes time to learn traffic patterns and find out how your new compensation package will fit into the new economy, but having a buddy who can get you started will help. You have to be willing to ask for help though. You have to extend friendship yourself. But as always, be careful. Pray that God will guide you to those people. Everyone will be curious about you. And not everyone will have pure and selfless motives for wanting to get close to you. Don't drop your boundaries and get bombarded. You control access to your cell phone number, your home, and your schedule. I've found that other staff/ministry wives make the safest and easiest friend groups when you first arrive, they are excellent training wheels;)
5. Cling to Jesus: He is the source of all wisdom and wellspring of joy. He gently leads us in our feminine fragility and our tender emotions. He makes a way. He bears our burdens. He molds our attitudes. He empowers us for our calling. It is absolutely crucial to devote our time and focus on His word and to keep a flow of prayer and meditation going. Journal if that helps you. Be thirsty. Be pliable. Be genuine. Provide extra spiritual intensity to discipling your kids at this time too. Don't let the enemy keep you off balance and ineffective. The Spirit will nurture your bond with the new church family and whisper in your ear exactly how He plans to use you in the years to come. Enjoy the journey! There is no greater life than ministry life!
John 12:26
"If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him."
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