Have you ever stopped to think about the messages your attitude sends to the opposite sex? This FASHION FRIDAY edition of Sweet Tea is dedicated to clearing away useless communication debris in our lives that hinders our relationship and makes us unattractive to the males we are seeking to have communication with. I'm working on clearing these out myself. Whether you are single or married, house wife or career woman, introverted or charismatic you still need to relate successfully to men. In a professional, social, or family setting you need to be able to communicate with men and you may be doing things that thwart your efforts and build up walls or worse, create conflict and not even know it. Here are a few things some women do that, I'm told, leave men scratching their heads or running for the door:
1. Mind Reading- Never try to assume you omnisciently know what someone else's thoughts or motives were. You can address the actions and the results, but stay away from analyzing their intentions and internal motives. Along the same lines, never expect them to read your mind either. Communicate your needs and expectations. Don't pout if they fail to meet them. Ask for what you need and don't set traps they can't see coming.
2. Drama- Can we all just do our best to cool it with the emotional or sexual manipulation, competition, comparisons, and mood swings? Of course we will all have bad days and deal with legitimate hurts and hormonal hurricanes. But some of us seem to create drama almost as a means of control or attention seeking. Some women seek to tear others down instead of lifting them up with kindness and gentleness. Drama becomes a trademark and a crutch. Take it down a notch or two and deal with it legitimate issues. But deal kindly and selflessly, even with the difficult ones.
3. Entitlement- Never cheapen your femininity by using it as a way to get around hard work, having integrity, or dealing with difficult issues. Men love to show us courtesy and chivalry, but they don't appreciate being used or taken for granted. They deserve a thank you and appreciate us not assuming on their generosity. Neediness can be an expression of selfishness or immaturity. A "princess" syndrome shows that you are self-centered. Give. Be a lady not a baby.
4. Controlling- Nagging, smothering, rigid, critical, domineering, unpleasable or martyr-playing women drive men nuts. Contrary to the stereotype played on popular TV, they love women who are smart, confident, capable and dependable. They aren't easily threatened by highly educated, motivated, high-achieving ladies. But they don't want to be disrespected or challenged and second guessed at every turn either. Lose the chip off your shoulder and let go of your need to control. Be willing to follow a leader. Be a team player and attack the problem not the people.
5. Unbalanced Beauty- Your greatest tool in relating to men is your femininity and softness. Being vulnerable is sometimes scary. But, It makes them sensitive to you and opens them up. All the men I have spoken to about these issues stated that they love relating to women who are able to be lady-like; tender but not frail. One very honest guy stated, "I feel most manly when women act and look most feminine." They like us to dress to play up our female-ness but not look trampy. They admire women who pay attention to style but aren't slaves to it. They like a look that is polished (something better than your sweatpants) but not too busy and unapproachably high-maintenance ( like heels you can't walk in or lipgloss that looks like "gooey dried blood"). Never neglect your appearance, but also, never let it be your primary focus to the neglect of your character. Putting an effort into, but not obsessing about your appearance at home, at work, and socially communicates respect.
When women run through caution lights like these mentioned, whether in the name of feminism, bad habits, past abuses, or just plain ignorance, men launch into reflexive fight or flight mode.
They will either challenge you (conflict/pushback) or run from you (passive/checked out) . Take a look at the relationships you have with the men in your life. If you find the men you relate to tend to be on the offensive/defensive or have sought constant refuge in a hobby, the job, or a man cave, you may have an issue with one or more of these, that needs attention and God's grace. We interact with them as wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, co-workers, and church members. We need to learn to enjoy them and appreciate them and join them in work and fun. We need to enrich and beautify their lives through our femininity. We need to act in a way that will draw their hearts in, not drive them away.
"The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. " Gen. 2:22 As a woman, you are a gift fashioned by God.
"I would remind you that femininity is not a curse. It is not even a triviality. It is a gift, a divine gift, to be accepted with both hands, and to thank God for. Because remember, it was His idea… ." Elizabeth Elliot
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