Guardrails For A Ministry Marriage

 

I recently had an opportunity to share some advice with a lovely and gifted young pastor's wife.  She asked me how Bruce and I had kept our way pure and protected our marriage during our 25+ years of ministry together.  You see, as a young wife she was sensing the vulnerable position pastors can be in when trying to faithfully pastor women in the church.  Women have pastoral needs that can put them in a position to form attachments or attractions with their pastor if guardrails are not put in place.  For some women, their pastor is the first man who has ever loved them, prayed for them and shown them gentlemanly courtesy.  Pastors are men just like any other who are vulnerable to spiritual warfare and fleshly temptation.  We've found there is great wisdom in recognizing the risks and having a plan.  My husband has taken the lead and initiated these guardrails voluntarily.  The Bible says, "He who thinks he stand take heed lest he fall".  No man or women is invulnerable.  We need to be avoiding even the appearance of indiscretion.   I'm sharing the list I gave my friend and praying that any woman or wife will find them helpful.  We have to be intentional about protecting our families.  We have an enemy who would love to take us out by disqualifying us due to moral failure.   Some of these may seem extreme.  But this is what works for us.  The stakes are too high to play around.  May God protect His precious Bride and keep her safe.  Here's my top 10 plus 1:  

1. I am by his side in the front of the church for all services and at community events.  I try my best to look attractive. He shows affection to me in public (hand holding, eye contact, arm on my back ). We never ever criticize or joke harshly about one another. I communicate respect.  We try to send the message that we are 100% in love and that there is no point in getting interested. 

2. He does not give his cell number to women at all. The only exception is his assistant and our staff ladies, who we both trust completely, for business purposes.   

3. He only meets with women once, if at all,  in the office with his assistant at her desk just outside. If they are in need of more counseling he requires their husband to be there or for them to make an appointment with Hope Network. 

4. Neither of us is EVER alone with another of the opposite sex, even in a restaurant or car. We don't pray with the opposite sex or share personal feelings there either.

5. I have all the passwords to every account on our computers, phones, ipad, social media sites, etc. I never use them but it's good accountability.  Neither of us stay up late at night alone on our computers surfing the net...

6. All emails go through his assistant. She opens them all.  So no secrets on work computers either.  Our church also has very good security network protectors for any ungodly uses to be exposed.

7. No evening/weekend meetings. Period. unless I am present.

8. If I get an intuition about a women or a situation, he listens without question and cuts it off. This has only happened twice in 24 years. 

9. He does not compliment women on their appearance or joke around in a flirty way.

10. All staff ladies must have another women with them when they come to his office if his assistant is not at her desk and they keep the door open. No off-campus meetings or business trips, conferences or mission trips without me unless it is a group.   We are blessed with a godly and pure and highly proficient assistant.  We are good friends and she is a fierce protector.

 

11.   He has made himself spiritually accountable to certain men who have permission to ask him hard questions and to keep him in prayer.  We also nurture and work on our marriage to keep it healthy.  We carefully filter what we watch, read, listen to or see, in order to keep our minds pure.  Date night and protecting our time and intimacy is an absolute must.  When we are out of sync or feeling disconnected and vulnerable, for whatever reason, we communicate and try to re-evaluate our schedules and commitments to focus on keeping close.  

But, a healthy flourishing love relationship with Christ and Spirit-filled living saturated with scripture and accountability is the ultimate key to purity.  

What are some other ways you've found to protect your home?  Our homes are at risk whether in ministry or not.  I'd love to hear from you.  We're all still learning...

 

Comments

[Ouida Ray]

Thank you for this post, Lori. I have been an assistant in three churches since 1992 and have assisted four pastors in my career. It is my job to protect the integrity of the pastor I work for, by adhering to a strict policy of professionalism.

I am accountable to God. I take that accountablity very seriously. In fact, I had to sever a friendship with another woman because of her attraction to a pastor at one of the churches. It is NOT a fine line...it is a very BOLD line that should never be crossed.

I am thankful for your transparency on this subject. It is one that is not addressed often, but certainly needs to be.

[Lori frank]

Thanks, Ouida. I am so grateful for ministry assistants like yourself who understand the risk. The professional relationships of Ministers and their teams are a balm and a life raft to the ministry families they serve. You all certainly are the unsung heros of The Body. Thanks again, Lori

[Vivian Tesner]

Thanks Lori. What a precious way to handle something of this nature. I wonder how many churches, pastors, etc. might have been saved from circumstances if pastor's wives and pastors had practiced this sort of accountability. Just another reason why we are all so thankful for you and Pastor Bruce. You mean so much to so many.

[June Stewart]

Lori, Thanks so much for the sincerity of this blog. My family is so thankful for you and Pastor Bruce and the role models you are to all married couples. Thanks so much for all you do.

[Jill Chapman]

Lori-
My church family was completely destroyed by this very thing. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through. It's such a blessing to see the commitment you two have to each other. You are absolutely right about the devil and his schemes to destroy families, especially ones in ministry. I pray God continues to bless you both! I'm so thankful my sister has finally found her church "home" at Biltmore!

[Sharon Williams]

I have seen so many ministries fall because they did not take the extra precautions required to stay above reproach. Thank you Lori and Bruce for taking those extra precautions to not only be an amazing testimony to what marriage is and can be but also for being leaders in our church and not jeopardizing by letting your guard down.

[TubsWife]

Lori,

What a great post and wonderful advice! Tub and I work very hard at building hedges of protection around our marriage.

Satan can't steal our salvation, but he will certainly try to destroy our testimony and our effectiveness for the cause of Christ.

I shared this with Tub and will share it with others, too! Great reinforcement for the things we tell others.

Have a blessed week, friend!

Melissa

[Lori frank]

Thanks Melissa. Please share the blog with anyone you think it could benefit. I am praying for you and pastor. I love fighting the good fight with team mates like ya'll.

[Kimberly McCarthy]

Great Wisdom! Thank you! I spent most of my life being a pastor's secretary and I find the 1st hedge of protection comes through prayer. Put up a prayer hedge! I also find in my relationship with my husband 32 years of marriage... we continually work on our friendship, we have become best friends because we still date, we still plan special times together, just he and I!

[Michele Kaniarz]

I love this list p. lori. Do you ever meet people for counseling. I need to find a spiritual elder for accountability.

[Lori frank]

Thanks for stopping by, Michele. I do not do professional counseling and I am currently mentoring as many ministry wives as I can. I would encourage you to reach out to some women who are growing in Christ and you admire. Ask them to do a bible study with you. It really does help to have a friend who wants the best for you. If you are a pastor's wife I highly recommend the book "In her shoes". It will be a great resource for you. It is by Landrith and Lovingood and is a lifeway product. Praying for you, Lori

[Michelekaniarz]

Thank you Lori. I am not familar yet with many people and I am praying to have time to be in a connect group or atleast find someone to stay connected with. I am praying strong for someone to over see my walk so I may stay accountable in my walk.