I'm so stinkin' mad right now! I'm mad at the devil who is so intent on ruining the human relationships that are to be a reflection of the beauty of Christ's love for the Church. I'm mad at our society that is attacking the christian model of what a marriage is, partly because we christians have diluted its holiness with divorce. And, I'm mad at the hundreds of christian women every day who decide to believe the lies of the enemy and give up on their vows.
Our Wedding August 19, 1989
I've heard all the lame excuses. Hear are a few of the most popular:
* I'm just not getting my needs met.
* I just don't love him anymore.
* We have grown in different directions.
* I'm miserable.
* I married the wrong guy.
* I deserve to be happy.
* He's a jerk.
Whenever I hear these words I just want to yell, "So what!?!". Hasn't every married woman in history felt that way at one point or another in her marriage? Do we get a do-over? Is God Ok with the breaking of a vow and the splitting up of a family when the fun and romance is on the rocks or hearts are bruised and battered by mutually inflicted wounds? Is a marriage disposable? When I read my Bible it seems to me that God is more concerned with our holiness than He is with our happiness! And, 8 times out of 10, when these intentions are verbalized there is another man on the radar. Not always acted on, but usually a dangerous friendship or flirtation with another man is being entertained.
What makes a woman who has been redeemed by the blood of Christ willing to flout His precepts and deny His authority over her will and emotions? What makes her willing to send a message to her daughters that promises don't count and respect for a husband is conditional? What makes her choose to imply to her son that the man he most looks up to for his manly model is not worth the trouble of sticking it out? What makes her willing to believe it will be better if she could just get free? What makes her willing to proclaim to all the world that God's ways don't work and his grace is not sufficient to heal, restore and sustain her marriage?
Let me clarify that I am NOT telling women in an abusive situation to continue putting themsleves or their children at risk. Those women should immediately get to a safe place, enlist legal and law enforcement help, tell your friends/family/church, and get professional counselling. This post is about women who are just quitting, giving up, or moving on to greener patures.
I can remember the words of a friend who had informed me that papers had been filed and divorce was a forgone conclusion. I cautioned that they were leaving God no choice but to discipline them. They were bringing themselves under His judgement by willful disobedience because there had been no Biblical reason for ending this marriage. The answer was, "I don't even care about that anymore. I'm so miserable in this marriage that I would rather take whatever God has to dish out than stay in this marriage one more second of my life." That statement just hung in the air between us as tears rolled down both our cheeks. The decision was final. God was being openly mocked. The truth is that splitting up something that God has joined together is inherently painful, even if it is what you want. It won't make you happy, just poorer.
Christians divorcing hurts us all. It makes a sham of our morals. It makes a mockery of our word. It gives others struggling in their relationships license to give up too. It makes selfishness and cowardice less shameful. It erodes our standards. It devastates our children.
I know this sounds incredibly harsh. I know I'm ranting. I know that grace and forgiveness are called for. I will show grace and be there to restore any sister who needs my love. But if I can save one precious sister who is on the fence about divorce being an option, I'm willing to risk seeming harsh.
The answer is the fear of God. If you've decided that God is a God not to messed with, then you will be a lot more committed to making things better at home, by His grace. If divorce is off the table, then finding healing is the only option left. The goal is not resignation to misery but dogged pursuit of restoration!
Back to the concept of the fear of God. I think much of the church today has lost its ability to tremble before that throne. Jer 5:22 "Should you not fear me?" declares the Lord. "Should you not tremble in my presence?" or Rom 11:22 "You must try to appreciate both the kindness and the strict justice of God."
James 4:1-3 sums up what is going on in many homes, " What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
I cannot emphasize too strongly that I know from the bottom of my sinful heart how powerful the desire to have our way and our comfort and our fair share can be. But I'm begging you to flee from the lure of the other man who seems to "Get you". I'm begging you to resist the lie that you just need to get free, think of yourself, and start fresh. It is a mirage. There can be no fresh start other than with the other half of the whole God made when He joined you as one. Convince him to seek confidential christian counselling with you.
I hope this straight talk does not hurt you. It's love that motives me. I hope this makes you think twice before you give up on God. I hope you share this with your friends and family that may be looking for an excuse to quit on their marriage. Before you brush off the consequences, step into the throne room and tremble before Him... I'll be there trembling too.
My sentiments exactly Lori! Thank you for taking this issue head on and candidly speaking this truth that so desperately needs to be heard.
Posted by: Pauline | 03/08/2011 at 07:37 AM
Your "harshness" and "ranting" in this post in sore-needed. Even our Lord ranted and was harsh (and completely sinless while doing it) when necessary.
Love, love, love your quote about the Lord caring more about our holiness than our happiness; a lesson that I can use in ALL areas of my life, not just my marriage.
Thanks for your willingness to not sugarcoat things.
Posted by: Karen Young | 03/08/2011 at 07:41 AM
Excellent and timely words, Lori. Blessings on you dear one for speaking the truth. Love you!
Posted by: Martha Vaughan | 03/08/2011 at 07:52 AM
Lori Frank is carrying a sword and on it is written peace. I am a witness to the truth you speak.
Posted by: Foodangel01 | 03/08/2011 at 08:01 AM
Sometimes the truth, no matter how harsh it seems, needs to be spoken. Your husband speaks it from the pulpit and I so appreciate that. May God bless you for speaking it here!
Posted by: Frugalhsmom | 03/08/2011 at 09:59 AM
Excellent! Excellent! Excellent! Straight talk is exactly what it is and what is called for. Sometimes we all need a swift kick in the rear to re-adjust what we all know. The handholding, "poor pitiful thing", "bless your heart" stuff, the being politically correct is not the answer. Thank you having the integrity to speak the truth.
Posted by: Karen | 03/08/2011 at 10:39 AM
AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN!! thank you for posting this. my heart is breaking over two such relationships right now!!
Posted by: beth spray | 03/08/2011 at 11:03 AM
I am sooooo glad you wrote this and I am with you all the way on it! However,I did not divorce my husband, he divorced me.Even after horrible abuse I just wanted him to get help and he would not. Then he divorced me and in a no fault divorce state I did not seem to have any say in the matter. Im sure you understand that sometimes divorce is not a choice that women make.Luv you for speaking the truth!
Posted by: Liz Myron | 03/08/2011 at 11:52 AM
He has cheated multiple times and my health has taken a severe hit each time. I lose a dangerous amount of weight and end up on antidepressants. My children suffer. Do I have any other choice.
Posted by: t | 03/08/2011 at 02:58 PM
T, I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a painful experience. My comments were intended for ladies who are just simply looking for greener pastures not victims of abuse, abandonment, or adultery. My urgent advice would be to get counseling for yourself and try to decide if you can find the grace to go on in the marriage. You have biblical grounds for divorce but I've seen marriages repaired with love and strong accountability to earn back trust. My prayers are with you. Hugs.
Posted by: Lori frank | 03/08/2011 at 03:35 PM
woot! woot!
Posted by: gina | 03/08/2011 at 03:59 PM
Lori thanks for addressing the "abuse, abandonment, and adultery" issue in your comment.
My mom loves the Lord has been a victim of all three. She feels she has disappointed God because her marriage has failed.
My heart goes out to women in these difficult situations. Turn to Jesus precious ones, and He will make you whole.
Posted by: S | 03/08/2011 at 05:05 PM
Lori, I love you sister! It is so refreshing to hear the truth in love!
I am committed to my man and God under the covenant we made to Him. When the growing together gets rough, I wrap myself in the arms of my Father and rely on Him for strength to get me through the tough times. There is no other way I could have made it through them, no other way.
When you come through them, there is always a fresh, wonderful, stronger bond between the three of us. My God, My Man, and myself. Three in one, just as His trinity.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Posted by: Mary Rushing | 03/08/2011 at 07:57 PM
"SINCE THEY ARE NO LONGER TWO BUT ONE, LET NO ONE SPLIT APART WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER." (MARK 10:8-9)
God will answer our prayers and create a work that we could NEVER do on our own!!!
I have seen it!!! Every time I tried to do the work, the situation only became worse. When I surrendered the situation to God, amazing events happened!!!
Let us remember to give ONLY the love that Jesus taught us to give. There is no greater sacrifice than what HE did for us.
I have learned to focus ONLY on what I need to give to others and to NOT focus on my selfish needs!!! I used to only give love when it was given to me... what an awful and selfish way to live life. Now, because of my relationship with Jesus and learning of HIS love, I aspire to give the same love to others that HE gives to us!!! There is no greater love than this. I pray that this will inspire you to do the same. I pray that we all can give this love back to HIM by loving each other in the same way that HE LOVES US!!! God's love and blessings to you all!!! We are here for you, but even better-God is holding your hand every single second!!! Let us do our part and God will take care of the rest!!!
Posted by: Joy Kagy | 03/09/2011 at 07:48 AM
3 yrs ago, I left my husband and sought help. During this time I just wanted relief. My love for God drove me to the throneroom and I laid down my anger and pride long enough to realize that it wasn't "just him". We got Biblical counseling and God has totally our beautiful 30 yr marriage. Even better than before, all by God's grace. It easily could have gone that other way. Like your husband has said, "we're all one choice away from ruining our whole life."
Posted by: Skylla Moon | 03/10/2011 at 02:42 PM