Sweet tea by Lori Frank

Special Delivery: 5 Tips From A Labor and Delivery Nurse

 Are you expecting a little visit from the stork soon?  Do you know someone who is?  Take a look!

Did you know I used to be a Labor & Delivery Nurse?  Well I did! Today, I wanted to share a few observations I have from the perspective of a hospital professional.  These are just some tips I would share with any expectant parents on how to make your hospital birth experience all you've every dreamed it would be.  

1.  Visitors-  Try to respect the visitation restrictions for the birthing unit.  They understand it is a joyous occasion and lots of loved ones and friends want to support and celebrate.  But there are many reasons for these rules or restrictions.  Also, feel free to let them be the "bad guys" if you would like them to clear the room temporarily.  But before you call everyone on your list to tell them you are heading to the hospital, let them evaluate you to be sure it is not a false alarm.  It will take time to monitor you and assess your progress and needs.  

-Over the course of the average 8 hour labor, your nurse will need to take a health assessment and may need to discuss private health concerns and even relevant sexual history.

- She may need to briefly expose you to provide hygiene, help you to the restroom, reposition you, or to perform exams.  It is hard to preserve your modesty and privacy in a tiny room with many people.

-The more bodies in the room the harder it is for her to get around to adjust you, the IV, the monitor, or the equipment.  It may be hard in an emergency to even get to the patient if the room is small and crowded.  Remember there will be at least two nurses and a doctor for every birth, maybe more if there are complications.    

- As your pain escalates, so will your stress.  Having an audience for that may be annoying.  

-As people come and go, even if they only stay a moment, your focus and rest will be interrupted.  

-Many people means many opinions.  Childbirth is a very personal experience and the staff will want you to communicate your desires and expectations.  Too many cooks in the kitchen may intimidate you into decisions you will regret later.  

-More people, more germs.  Period.

2.  What to bring- I look at some of the lists of things to bring to L&D in books and magazines and cringe.

- The fact is, your cute little nightgown was not made to accomodate medical devices.  If you plan to have pain meds you will need an IV, a Fetal Monitor, and even perhaps be immobile due to an epidural.  It just makes more sense to wear the ugly hospital gown.  Birth can be goopy!  

-Same thing goes for your $100 pillow and your socks.  

-Your jewelry and valuables should be left safe at home.  You may be whisked away into another room or to the operating room and it would be bad to leave all that exposed to risk.  Any piercings should be removed before you come too.  

-An overnight bag, a camera and a car seat are basically all you need.  Anything else will be provided.  Don't make the poor expectant Papa carry all that stuff!

3. Ask to labor the baby down-  As long as your baby's heart rate is not indicating stress and your pain is under control, you do not have to begin pushing as soon as you are completely dilated.  Nothing is more exhausting than pushing.  The force of the uterine contractions will push the baby down to the perineum eventually, usually in 30 minutes to and hour.  At that point a minimal amount of pushing should be required.  I found, if the mother has an epidural she will not have that irresistible urge to push.  It will be so much better to just turn left to right, rest, and visualize the moment you first see your new baby. This is a great time to be alone as a couple to rest and prepare mentally for the birth in these final moments before the real work begins.  

4.  C-section- If you end up needing to deliver via Cesarean birth, things may happen quickly if the baby is under stress.  The staff may not have lots of time to explain what is going on but they know you are fearful and will try to give you an account of what is happening and why, as they work to get you safely delivered.  

-There will be pain.  Take advantage of meds, icepacks, sprays, and positioning to keep you comfy.  But once they come to get you up for those first painful steps to the bathroom, try to get moving.  The more you move, the quicker you'll heal.  

-Your baby will still need you.  I find it so courageous as I see a mother recovering from major abdominal surgery yet so selflessly attempting to care for her new infant.  Even as you recover, you will be able to bond and feed your baby.  Let the staff and your hubby assist you as soon as the neonatal staff say it is possible.   

-Your emotions will be fragile.  You may shiver uncontrollably or cry.  You may be nauseous.  You may feel unexplainably sad, especially is you are disappointed in the surgical outcome.  It will be important to communicate your feelings and be ready accept help as you deal with the stress, pain, and tidal wave of emotions.  

5. Feeding- Whatever feeding preference you have, getting comfortable with it is job one before you take your baby home.  If you need privacy, ask your family to step out.  Breastfeeding is an amazing miracle but it does not always come naturally.  It takes practice and patience and persistence.  

-Get help from the mother/baby professionals.  Let them trouble shoot with you.  

- Learn several postions for nursing to prevent soreness and fatigue.

- Drink your water

-Some soreness is normal but blisters and bleeding indicates a poor latch on.  Be sure to address this before you head home.  

-Breastfeeding will cause cramps due to your uterus clamping down to its normal size.  This is painful but it will decrease your bleeding and help in the long run.  

-Sleep.  I know you are anxious to head home but stay as long as you can.  Send daddy home with the other kids.  Rest.  Fatigue is your enemy as you adjust to the physical demands of mothering as you recover from giving birth.  

There is no greater joy than holding new life.  You'll love the sight, smell, taste, feel and sound of your precious little boy or girl.  It will bond you with your spouse in a newer and deeper way.  It will leave you in awe of God's love and creativity.  It is scary and indescribably wonderful all at once.  My final word of advice is, trust your body.  It was made for this.  Trust your mother's instincts.  You were born for this.  And as a couple, trust your Heavenly Father, who chose you for this job at this moment.  There is nothing like that moment when a mother cradles her newborn for the first time.  Even in her pain and exhaustion is such hope, and such gratitude, and oh such love.  I hope these tips are helpful.  Blessings on your birth experience and on the little ones you love.  Hey, Moms and nurses, What's your best advice for a fabulous birth experince?  I'd love to hear from you!

5 Man-Repelling Attitudes to Lose

Have you ever stopped to think about the messages your attitude sends to the opposite sex?  This FASHION FRIDAY edition of Sweet Tea is dedicated to clearing away useless communication debris in our lives that hinders our relationship and makes us unattractive to the males we are seeking to have  communication with.   I'm working on clearing these out myself.  Whether you are single or married, house wife or career woman, introverted or charismatic you still need to relate successfully to men.  In a professional, social, or family setting you need to be able to communicate with men and you may be doing things that thwart your efforts and build up walls or worse, create conflict and not even know it.  Here are a few things some women do that, I'm told,  leave men scratching their heads or running for the door:  

1.  Mind Reading-  Never try to assume you omnisciently know what someone else's thoughts or motives were.  You can address the actions and the results, but stay away from analyzing their intentions and internal motives.  Along the same lines, never expect them to read your mind either.  Communicate your needs and expectations.  Don't pout if they fail to meet them.  Ask for what you need and don't set traps they can't see coming.  

2.  Drama-  Can we all just do our best to cool it with the emotional or sexual manipulation, competition, comparisons, and mood swings?  Of course we will all have bad days and deal with legitimate hurts and hormonal hurricanes.  But some of us seem to create drama almost as a means of control or attention seeking.  Some women seek to tear others down instead of lifting them up with kindness and gentleness.  Drama becomes a trademark and a crutch.  Take it down a notch or two and deal with it legitimate issues. But deal kindly and selflessly, even with the difficult ones.  

3.  Entitlement-  Never cheapen your femininity by using it as a way to get around hard work, having integrity, or dealing with difficult issues.  Men love to show us courtesy and chivalry, but they don't appreciate being used or taken for granted.  They deserve a thank you and appreciate us not assuming on their generosity.  Neediness can be an expression of selfishness or immaturity.  A "princess" syndrome shows that you are self-centered.  Give. Be a lady not a baby.  

4.  Controlling-  Nagging, smothering, rigid, critical, domineering, unpleasable or martyr-playing women drive men nuts.  Contrary to the stereotype played on popular TV, they love women who are smart, confident, capable and dependable.  They aren't easily threatened by highly educated, motivated, high-achieving  ladies.  But they don't want to be disrespected or challenged and second guessed at every turn either.  Lose the chip off your shoulder and let go of your need to control.  Be willing to follow a leader.  Be a team player and attack the problem not the people.  

5. Unbalanced Beauty-  Your greatest tool in relating to men is your femininity and softness.  Being vulnerable is sometimes scary.  But, It makes them sensitive to you and opens them up.  All the men I have spoken to about these issues stated that they love relating to women who are able to be lady-like; tender but not frail.  One very honest guy stated, "I feel most manly when women act and look most feminine."  They like us to dress to play up our female-ness but not look trampy.  They admire women who pay attention to style but aren't slaves to it.  They like a look that is polished (something better than your sweatpants) but not too busy and unapproachably high-maintenance ( like heels you can't walk in or lipgloss that looks like "gooey dried blood").  Never neglect your appearance, but also, never let it be your primary focus to the neglect of your character.  Putting an effort into, but not obsessing about your appearance at home, at work, and socially communicates respect.  

When women run through caution lights like these mentioned, whether in the name of feminism, bad habits, past abuses, or just plain ignorance, men launch into reflexive fight or flight mode.

 They will either challenge you (conflict/pushback)  or run from you (passive/checked out) .  Take a look at the relationships you have with the men in your life. If you find the men you relate to tend to be on the offensive/defensive or have sought constant refuge in a hobby, the job,  or a man cave, you may have an issue with one or more of these, that needs attention and God's grace.   We interact with them as wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, co-workers, and church members.  We need to learn to enjoy them and appreciate them and join them in work and fun.  We need to enrich and beautify their lives through our femininity.  We need to act in a way that will draw their hearts in, not drive them away.  

"The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. "  Gen. 2:22  As a woman, you are a gift fashioned by God.  

"I would remind you that femininity is not a curse. It is not even a triviality. It is a gift, a divine gift, to be accepted with both hands, and to thank God for. Because remember, it was His idea… ."  Elizabeth Elliot  

Guardrails For A Ministry Marriage

 

I recently had an opportunity to share some advice with a lovely and gifted young pastor's wife.  She asked me how Bruce and I had kept our way pure and protected our marriage during our 25+ years of ministry together.  You see, as a young wife she was sensing the vulnerable position pastors can be in when trying to faithfully pastor women in the church.  Women have pastoral needs that can put them in a position to form attachments or attractions with their pastor if guardrails are not put in place.  For some women, their pastor is the first man who has ever loved them, prayed for them and shown them gentlemanly courtesy.  Pastors are men just like any other who are vulnerable to spiritual warfare and fleshly temptation.  We've found there is great wisdom in recognizing the risks and having a plan.  My husband has taken the lead and initiated these guardrails voluntarily.  The Bible says, "He who thinks he stand take heed lest he fall".  No man or women is invulnerable.  We need to be avoiding even the appearance of indiscretion.   I'm sharing the list I gave my friend and praying that any woman or wife will find them helpful.  We have to be intentional about protecting our families.  We have an enemy who would love to take us out by disqualifying us due to moral failure.   Some of these may seem extreme.  But this is what works for us.  The stakes are too high to play around.  May God protect His precious Bride and keep her safe.  Here's my top 10 plus 1:  

1. I am by his side in the front of the church for all services and at community events.  I try my best to look attractive. He shows affection to me in public (hand holding, eye contact, arm on my back ). We never ever criticize or joke harshly about one another. I communicate respect.  We try to send the message that we are 100% in love and that there is no point in getting interested. 

2. He does not give his cell number to women at all. The only exception is his assistant and our staff ladies, who we both trust completely, for business purposes.   

3. He only meets with women once, if at all,  in the office with his assistant at her desk just outside. If they are in need of more counseling he requires their husband to be there or for them to make an appointment with Hope Network. 

4. Neither of us is EVER alone with another of the opposite sex, even in a restaurant or car. We don't pray with the opposite sex or share personal feelings there either.

5. I have all the passwords to every account on our computers, phones, ipad, social media sites, etc. I never use them but it's good accountability.  Neither of us stay up late at night alone on our computers surfing the net...

6. All emails go through his assistant. She opens them all.  So no secrets on work computers either.  Our church also has very good security network protectors for any ungodly uses to be exposed.

7. No evening/weekend meetings. Period. unless I am present.

8. If I get an intuition about a women or a situation, he listens without question and cuts it off. This has only happened twice in 24 years. 

9. He does not compliment women on their appearance or joke around in a flirty way.

10. All staff ladies must have another women with them when they come to his office if his assistant is not at her desk and they keep the door open. No off-campus meetings or business trips, conferences or mission trips without me unless it is a group.   We are blessed with a godly and pure and highly proficient assistant.  We are good friends and she is a fierce protector.

 

11.   He has made himself spiritually accountable to certain men who have permission to ask him hard questions and to keep him in prayer.  We also nurture and work on our marriage to keep it healthy.  We carefully filter what we watch, read, listen to or see, in order to keep our minds pure.  Date night and protecting our time and intimacy is an absolute must.  When we are out of sync or feeling disconnected and vulnerable, for whatever reason, we communicate and try to re-evaluate our schedules and commitments to focus on keeping close.  

But, a healthy flourishing love relationship with Christ and Spirit-filled living saturated with scripture and accountability is the ultimate key to purity.  

What are some other ways you've found to protect your home?  Our homes are at risk whether in ministry or not.  I'd love to hear from you.  We're all still learning...

 

Straight Talk About Women and Divorce

I'm so stinkin' mad right now!  I'm mad at the devil who is so intent on ruining the human relationships that are to be a reflection of the beauty of Christ's love for the Church.  I'm mad at our society that is attacking the christian model of what a marriage is, partly because we christians have diluted its holiness with divorce.  And, I'm  mad at the hundreds of christian women every day who decide to believe the lies of the enemy and give up on their vows.  

Our Wedding August 19, 1989

I've heard all the lame excuses.  Hear are a few of the most popular:

* I'm just not getting my needs met.

* I just don't love him anymore.

* We have grown in different directions.

*  I'm miserable.

* I married the wrong guy.

* I deserve to be happy.

* He's a jerk.

Whenever I hear these words I just want to yell, "So what!?!".  Hasn't every married woman in history felt that way at one point or another in her marriage?  Do we get a do-over?  Is God Ok with the breaking of a vow and the splitting up of a family when the fun and romance is on the rocks or hearts are bruised and battered by mutually inflicted wounds?  Is a marriage disposable?  When I read my Bible it seems to me that God is more concerned with our holiness than He is with our happiness!  And, 8 times out of 10, when these intentions are verbalized there is another man on the radar.  Not always acted on, but usually a dangerous friendship or flirtation with another man is being entertained.  

What makes a woman who has been redeemed by the blood of Christ willing to flout His precepts and deny His authority over her will and emotions?  What makes her willing to send a message to her daughters that promises don't count and respect for a husband is conditional?  What makes her choose to imply to her son that the man he most looks up to for his manly model is not worth the trouble of sticking it out?  What makes her willing to believe it will be better if she could just get free?  What makes her willing to proclaim to all the world that God's ways don't work and his grace is not sufficient to heal, restore and sustain her marriage? 

Let me clarify that I am NOT telling women in an abusive situation to continue putting themsleves or their children at risk.  Those women should immediately get to a safe place, enlist legal and law enforcement help, tell your friends/family/church, and get professional counselling.  This post is about women who are just quitting, giving up, or moving on to greener patures.  

I can remember the words of a friend who had informed me that papers had been filed and divorce was a forgone conclusion.  I cautioned that they were leaving God no choice but to discipline them. They were bringing themselves under His judgement by willful disobedience because there had been no Biblical reason for ending this marriage.  The answer was, "I don't even care about that anymore.  I'm so miserable in this marriage that I would rather take whatever God has to dish out than stay in this marriage one more second of my life."  That statement just hung in the air between us as tears rolled down both our cheeks.  The decision was final.  God was being openly mocked. The truth is that splitting up something that God has joined together is inherently painful, even if it is what you want.  It won't make you happy, just poorer.  

Christians divorcing hurts us all.  It makes a sham of our morals.  It makes a mockery of our word.  It gives others struggling in their relationships license to give up too.  It makes selfishness and cowardice less shameful.  It erodes our standards.  It devastates our children.  

I know this sounds incredibly harsh.  I know I'm ranting.  I know that grace and forgiveness are called for.  I will show grace and be there to restore any sister who needs my love.  But if I can save one precious sister who is on the fence about divorce being an option, I'm willing to risk seeming harsh.  

The answer is the fear of God.  If you've decided that God is a God not to messed with, then you will be a lot more committed to making things better at home, by His grace.  If divorce is off the table, then finding healing is the only option left.  The goal is not resignation to misery but dogged pursuit of restoration!  

Back to the concept of the fear of God.  I think much of the church today has lost its ability to tremble before that throne.  Jer 5:22  "Should you not fear me?" declares the Lord. "Should you not tremble in my presence?"  or  Rom 11:22  "You must try to appreciate both the kindness and the strict justice of God."

 James 4:1-3 sums up what is going on in many homes, " What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."  

I cannot emphasize too strongly that I know from the bottom of my sinful heart how powerful the desire to have our way and our comfort and our fair share can be.  But I'm begging you to flee from the lure of the other man who seems to "Get you".  I'm begging you to resist the lie that you just need to get free, think of yourself, and start fresh.  It is a mirage.  There can be no fresh start other than with the other  half of the whole God made when He joined you as one.  Convince him to seek confidential christian counselling with you.  

I hope this straight talk does not hurt you.  It's love that motives me.  I hope this  makes you think twice before you give up on God.  I hope you share this with your friends and family that may be looking for an excuse to quit on their marriage.  Before you brush off the consequences, step into the throne room and tremble before Him... I'll be there trembling too.  

Surviving a move in the ministry

    If you are a ministry wife, you are going to experience a tightness in your chest and you might even break a sweat just reading the title of this post today.  Moving is a top 10 stressor in any life, but in ministry it is probably top 5.  I've done it 5 times.  In fact, it's gut wrenching on many levels.  It is scary!  There is so much fear of the unknown.  Worry that you have not heard correctly from God or that you have made a mistake.  By the way, If you are a member of my current church or community WE ARE NOT TALKING TO ANY OTHER CHURCHES!  This is just to help other ministry wives who might be dealing with this topic personally now, or in the future.  

    First off, beginning to seek God's will together with a prospective church feels a lot like "cheating".  It is necessary to keep quiet about it until you figure out if God is in it or not.  But it still feels yucky to be secretive about it.  In the past I've kind of pulled away during these times for fear that I would let something slip or be put in a position to have to lie about something.  That adds an extra burden because your usual support system and prayers partners may not be able to lighten your load.  

    Secondly, The idea of starting over is daunting.  We all know, whether in ministry or not, that trying to establish a household, a friend group, driver's licences, banking, schools... Oh I'm getting hives as I type!  Uhg!  It's so hard.  A new doctor, a new hair dresser, a new grocery store, a new ministry!  It's a tough thing, even when you are happy and excited about the move.  And you can multiply it times 10 for every child you have that will need to transitioned too, in their own way.  Their lives are being uprooted as well.

    Thirdly, It's expensive/hard work.  Many ministry families end up taking a giant financial hit when they have to sell a home at a loss, or they lose the wife's income, or they just don't get compensated for the expenses of the move itself.  Also, you can't/shouldn't ask your old church for help moving, but the new church is far away... so you bear the burden of doing it all alone.  Then comes all the "helpers"  at the new church who may or may not be wanting to help you just to look nosily through your stuff.  For those of us who are very private, this invasion is super stressful... we'd just rather do it alone.  

    Fourth, there is grief.  Many times God calls us to move away from our support groups such as mentors, friends, parents, grandparents, babysitters and neighbors.  Having to tear your heart away from a church family you have loved and served and suffered/rejoiced with is a painful process.  It takes time to work through it.  It still hurts even when you know God is in it and you are excited to go.  It is often hard to find the time to process it all in the midst of saying your goodbyes and preparing for the new assignment.  

 Fifth, The learning curve that your husband is fighting his way through makes it hard for him to balance work, personal walk with Jesus, personal care (sleep, recreation, exercise, diet, and yes, sex) and family/parenting.  He is under huge stress.  He is having to put in huge amounts of time in addition to the work week trying to build relationships within the church and community he is called to lead.  He needs you by his side for a lot of this, but it still takes a toll for this transitional  season...it's crunch time.  Much Grace is needed.  The enemy will attack your marriage and your health at these times so be ready for it.  

There could be a much much longer list but these are the biggies... So what is my advice?  What have I learned?  Let me share a list of helpful tips:

1.  Fly under the Radar:  Once you have been offered the job, accepted it, and notified your current church I recommend laying low.  If you have to relive the goodbye process hundreds of times in several little gatherings you will be overwhelmed.  Try to let there be just one big cry-fest at the end then move away.  I recommend making it a fast, rip the band-aid off, kind of goodbye.  They need to grieve too and be ready to receive their new leader with open arms.  There may also be a few folks who are unsupportive or who do not agree that God is calling you away.  Let them vent, but don't take it personally.  Give them time to process it.  You've known for a while, they just got the news.  

2.  Resist the have it both ways temptations:  You will need to transfer your affections to the new place and the new people.  I recommend not going back or facilitating visits to the old place for 6 months or so.  It kind of forces you and your kids to move on.  I still keep in touch with the people from all our former churches and social media makes that easy.  But in the beginning, it's best to dive in with the new stuff full force.  Try to keep from comparing "this is how it was in ______".  Try to avoid saying  and thinking "Back home"  too much.  Home is where God puts you.  This is your home now.

3.  Plant those roots:  Devote the first year to relationship building.  Move on to ministry establishment and impact the next year.  Just spend a year loving on people and sharing their world.  If possible try to not work full time that first year and be free to schedule lunches and play dates and shopping trips with your ladies.  Attend everything you can at church, but especially be visible and accessible in areas where your husband is directly responsible.  But don't overdo it.  You will be the one to keep the home fires burning and your kid's needs met during this crunch time for hubby.  Family first goes without saying.  Be open, real, relaxed and available.  

4.  Ask:  Latch on to one or two friends.  You'll need them to help you find stuff.  You'll need to ask where the best places are to eat, shop, get medical care, schools, childcare, bank, and workout.  You'll need to know where to make your home.  It takes time to learn traffic patterns and find out how your new compensation package will fit into the new economy, but having a buddy who can get you started will help.  You have to be willing to ask for help though.  You have to extend friendship yourself.  But as always, be careful.   Pray that God will guide you to those people.  Everyone will be curious about you.  And not everyone will have pure and selfless motives for wanting to get close to you. Don't drop your boundaries and get bombarded.  You control access to your cell phone number, your home, and your schedule.  I've found that other staff/ministry wives make the safest and easiest friend groups when you first arrive, they are excellent training wheels;)  

5.   Cling to Jesus:  He is the source of all wisdom and wellspring of joy.  He gently leads us in our feminine fragility and our tender emotions.  He makes a way.  He bears our burdens.  He molds our attitudes.  He empowers us for our calling.  It is absolutely crucial to devote our time and focus on His word and to keep a flow of prayer and meditation going.  Journal if that helps you.  Be thirsty.  Be pliable.  Be genuine.  Provide extra spiritual intensity to discipling your kids at this time too.  Don't let the enemy keep you off balance and ineffective.  The Spirit will nurture your bond with the new church family and whisper in your ear exactly how He plans to use you in the years to come.  Enjoy the journey!  There is no greater life than ministry life!  

John 12:26

"If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him."

 

Parenting Adult Children: When Opinions Clash

Next month, when my baby turns twenty, I will officially have survived the teenage years as a mom!  Wow!  I cannot believe that... Seems like yesterday I was worrying about whether or not they were ready to be left home alone, but now my oldest has his own apartment! They still act silly though!  Click to enlarge this photo and see this truly epic photo bomb:)

These boys of mine are such a joy to my heart.  They are good men.  They love the Lord Jesus.  They have never grieved my heart through continued rebellion or shamed me by bad choices.  In short, I have no reason for angst where they are concerned.  Yet, the Frank dinner table is never short on lively debate over issues or ideology.  And ever more increasingly, I find we are at odds and my "because I said so" influence it being replaced by independent thinking.  

I'm told by other parents, wiser than me, that this is normal behavior in the college years.  But I find that having my closely held beliefs and preferences challenged by the offspring I gave the last 22 years to mold and nurture is stressful.  On the basics of faith in Christ and salvation through Him alone, we find complete unity.  But just about everything else is up for debate and analysis these days...

We go at it over theological frameworks, gender roles and headship issues, economics, politics, lifestyle, priorities...you name it, they are questioning it.  And they are exploring for themselves where they fall on the spectrum of each issue.  And, Thank You God, they are using the Word of God as a guide and a guardrail.  So here is what I'm doing to calm the nerves, shut the mouth, promote civil discourse, and keep communication flowing:

1.  Control my urge to control:  They're grown.  They get to have their own opinions.  I don't need to speak my mind or dictate procedure at every occasion.  Sometimes I need to hush up and let them lead the way.  

2.  Lose the shocked face:  A sure way to shut down explorations and the sharing of honest questions is to display your stress.  I still want to be the one they choose to bat around ideas with.  Don't sacrifice your chance to influence by shutting things down too quick.

3.  Agree to Disagree:  I've told my guys that there are certain things I believe they are wrong about. But it's OK for them to find their own way to the truth in time.  

4.  Different doesn't mean better:  Just because they are doing something different than I do (parenting, worshipping, cooking, lifestyle) doesn't mean it's wrong.  Nor does it mean they are condemning my way.  It's not an insult so don't take it as one.

5.  Respect:  I require respect from my boys.  I want to give it too.  I've raised them to be leaders and now they are acting like leaders, not followers.  In my house we follow my rules, no question.  But, when they choose to share their own inner explorations and searchings with me, I want to respect the fruit of that labor.  

6.  We try to stick to the facts:  It's a tough crowd here at our house.  If you want to hold your own in a Frank debate you'd better know what you know as well as what you don't know and be able to back it up with stats and Biblical references.  

7.  Remember they'll land somewhere in the middle:  These early years of independence are for finding your way.  Remember that in time and with wisdom they will probably land somewhere in the between on the spectrum.  I remember announcing to my shocked folks as a young mom, that I was going to use only cloth diapers and feed only breast milk for one full year.  With reality... I changed my mind on that.=)  Thank goodness they did not make me feel stupid.  

8.  Pray:  I pray so often for wisdom for my boys.  I want them to learn that Biblical common sense I long for in my own life too.  The cost of it is high, though.  It comes quite often from hard knocks and suffering consequences.  It's hard, but we need to take our hands off and let God do the teaching sometimes.  He's the best parent any of us could wish for.  

Parenting adult children is tedious and full of pitfalls.  But I'm trusting that after all, we'll find that what we have in common is greater that what we see differently.  You know your children are growing up when they start asking questions that don't have easy answers... It's good, it's normal, it's messy, it's growth.   

 

It's holding on...

 

but letting go...

 

Any one else out there dealing with this as a parent right now?  How about some of you wiser Moms... Any advice?  I'd love to hear from you!  

Summer School: Life Lessons Your Kids Need Now

It's Summer and the living is easy...Unless you're a parent.  Ha!  Well it's true.  Parents and Kids need this valuable reprieve from the scheduled gantlet of the school year.  But, In the long lazy days of summer, it is a good time to do some character developement and life prep with your kids.  As a parent you will be quite aware of where any deficiencies may dwell in your child's preparation for life.  And obviously, a 6 year old will have different tasks and levels of urgency than say, a high school graduate heading for a university.  

But basically, there are 5 different areas that will set your kids up for success if mastered, but trouble if not.  So take the skills I'm about to share and come up with ways for your child to practice them, within the scope of their own maturity level.  Talk about issues that might come up.  Role play, practice, within the safety of a hypothetical situation.  Assess your child's readiness to deal with these issues and work toward preparing them.  This is a crucial job of yours.  If you neglect it, or fail to take it seriously, it will be your child who suffers.  

1.  Time Management:  Your child needs to be able to string several steps of a task together and not get bogged down, distracted or delayed.  Examples would be getting ready for the day, working a "to do" list, or preparing a project due at a later date.  It's never too early to begin this training.  Even a 3 year old can work on completing all the steps of getting ready for bed in order and in a timely manner.  A ten year old should be able to pack for a trip including laundry, planning, gathering supplies and checking off a list...and so on.  By graduation they need to be able to priorities and produce a productive day without too much prompting, on time, under budget, goals completed and results evaluated.  They need to be able to keep a calendar, a schedule and plan ahead.  That includes going to bed/waking up when appropriate, knowing when to work and when to relax, caring for personal needs, and keeping your responsibilities, keeping an eye on coming deadlines and due dates.  If you've ever been around or worked with a grown up who can't manage his or her own concerns you know what a handicap it is and how it imposes on others.  Work with your child to develop this skill.  Don't expect perfection just progress and learning. 

2.  Stress Management:  Life is mean, relentless, and full of trials.  Your kids need to learn how to deal with stress.  Help your child figure out what de-stresses them.  Is it reading, music, exercise, movies, TV, a hobby, talking about it, not talking about it?  If your kids can't cope with stress in a healthy way, they might just freeze or turn to drugs, alcohol, porn, or adrenalin to find relief.  Teach them to pray with faith.  Teach them to use communication to work through stressful times and achieve compromises.  Teach them to set limits and ways to avoid situations they can't handle like over-commitment or certain people.  Show them how to defuse a situation, problem solve.  Teach them to confront if necessary.  Teach them sometimes you just have to rip the bandaid off and get on with it, but that there are healthy ways to let off the steam and refresh.

3.  Peer-pressure or flesh-pressure management:  Develop leadership in your child's individual way.  Help them to find pre-set answers to help them say no to bad invitations.  Help them choose self-imposed guardrails to keep them out of situation they can't handle.  Empower them to be able to report or share inappropriate situations they are put in.  Assure them that you are there to talk and to help them fix it.  Establish safe confession- by this I mean assure them that it will always be better less costly  for them to tell you than to cover it up.  Let them know you will not be too shocked or too mad to help.  Learning to be sneaky and keep things hidden or secret is dangerous.  Help them make a lifestyle out of keeping short sin accounts with God through confession, repentance, holiness, and personal accountability.  

4.  Money Management:  Help them learn to give tithes and offerings.  Teach them to budget, deny themsleves, set and reach goals, and save.  Help them learn to keep records.  Teach them the pitfalls of debt.  Teach them to know the difference between a want and a need.  Teach them how to spot a scam, point out that if it looks too good to be true it probably is.  Let them learn how to work hard and to earn.  Help them see the value in things.  Take them shopping and talk about quality versus quantity.  Teach them to pay their own way.  Stamp out any and all feelings of entitlement.  Teach them to be generous.  Let them do without when necessary to show that when it's gone, it's gone.  Start them a savings account and if age appropriate help them learn banking skills.

5.  Relationship Management:  Interpersonal skills are so key in success.  Kids need to learn to function within a system of authority.  They need to be able to network.  They need social skills like being able to communicate with adults,  the opposite sex, bullies, and opponents.  They need to learn to dress and participate in various social realms.  They need to learn to express love, appreciation, gratitude, as well as needs.  We worked on manners, dating expectations, how to greet and shake hands, how to make small talk, how to navigate customer service.  We wanted our boys to be able to be respectful.  We wanted them to learn how to have close friendships yet be comfortable with setting boundaries.  We wanted them to learn to use social media wisely and to be discreet.  

All of these skills are needed to successful in life.  Many of them I'm still learning.  But they don't just happen.  We must be intentional as parents to develop them in ourselves and in our kids.  Why don't you make this summer a time of learning.  Take a look at where your child needs the most help.  It's probably the place you need it the most too;)  Then determine to work at it, practice, discuss it, pray about it.  You'll all grow!  We are working on it all here at the Frank casa too!